Significant Picks: Week 3

Your weekly NFL picks from Jacki’s significant other…

I went a perfectly mediocre 7-7-1 last week, which means that if you bet on all my picks, I really, really wasted your time. Sorry about that. But we learned a lot. New England is sickeningly good this year, Cleveland sold its collective souls to Satan, and Rex Grossman does sometimes throw like a blind monkey. Anyway, let’s break .500 this week.

Indianapolis at Houston
Andre Johnson is out, which means Matt Schaub is throwing to Kevin Walter and Jacoby Jones. Who? Exactly. Colts -6

San Diego at Green Bay
AJ Hawk looks like he’s been running into things since he was young. He’s very good at it. I like the Chargers more, but I think this one will be close. Packers + 5.5

Minnesota at Kansas City
The Vikings are good at stopping the run, and the chiefs can’t do anything but run the ball. The Larry Johnson questions start popping up after this game. I’d take the Vikings straight up. Vikings + 3

Detroit at Philadelphia
Eagles fans are in full on boo-their-own-team mode. Here are some Eagle Fan Fun Facts:

To save money, the city built a courthouse and a jail…in the stadium.
They booed Santa Clause.
They cheered when Michael Irvin suffered a career ending injury.
They threw batteries at JD Drew. (Ok, that was Phillies fans, but its just the same drunk people wandering back and forth). Lions + 6

Buffalo at New England
Sixteen points? Sixteen?! I have to pick Buffalo, even though it’s like picking a three-legged horse just to finish. Bills +16

Miami at NYJ
Kellen Clemons looked pretty good at the end of the Ravens game last week. The kid may have something. Jets -3

San Francisco at Pittsburgh
The Steelers just destroyed Buffalo, and this has all the makings of a redux. But nine points is nine points, and the niners aren’t horrible. Niners +9

Arizona at Baltimore
You could make a living picking against the Ravens this year: they’re overrated. The defense misses Adalius Thomas, and hasn’t anyone noticed that Willis McGahee is closer to average than he is good? He’s Frank Gore without the power. Cardinals +8

St. Louis at Tampa Bay
I didn’t think I’d take Tampa Bay and give up points this year, but I’m done with the Rams after they let me down last week. Ronde is the creative Barber twin because he wears bracelets… Bucs -3.5

Jacksonville at Denver
The NFLs fattest team coming to play in the thin air in Denver. That’s good for 4 points right there. Broncos -3.5

Cincinatti at Seattle
The Bengals gave up 51 points to Cleveland last week. Most excitement in Cleveland since their river caught on fire. I don’t think Cinci can recover from that. Take the coffee snobs. Seahawks -3

Cleveland at Oakland
No, no, no. I’m down on the Browns. I refuse to believe in them. Word is that CBS will let Lane Kiffin free from Kid Nation to come coach this one. Raiders -3

Carolina at Atlanta
Gawd. I feel like I’m trying to pick lunch at Long John Silvers here. Carolina…I guess. Can I get hush puppies instead of fries? Carolina -4

NY Giants at Washington
Here’s a list of things that suck more than the Giants right now (PG version): whirlpool; fat kid drinking a milkshake, a remora… Washington -4

Dallas at Chicago
In one of my favorite moments of the week, Donovan McNabb was defending his statement that black quarterbacks are under more pressure than white quarterbacks, when a reporter asked him about Rex Grossman. “Oh, yeah, I forgot about him,” McNabb basically said. Devin Hester is a God, but Dallas +3

Jacki’s Lock of the Week (except last week!)™

Tennessee at New Orleans
Big beats virtuous so I want to go with the Titans over the Saints. But my college team was the Quakers, and that’s the least intimidating team name ever. Therefore, it is out of solidarity – and my love of spicy Cajun food – that I’m going with the Saints on this one. Nola, it is. NO – 4.5

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