Significant Picks: Week 3

Your weekly NFL picks from Jacki’s significant other…

I went a perfectly mediocre 7-7-1 last week, which means that if you bet on all my picks, I really, really wasted your time. Sorry about that. But we learned a lot. New England is sickeningly good this year, Cleveland sold its collective souls to Satan, and Rex Grossman does sometimes throw like a blind monkey. Anyway, let’s break .500 this week.

Indianapolis at Houston
Andre Johnson is out, which means Matt Schaub is throwing to Kevin Walter and Jacoby Jones. Who? Exactly. Colts -6

San Diego at Green Bay
AJ Hawk looks like he’s been running into things since he was young. He’s very good at it. I like the Chargers more, but I think this one will be close. Packers + 5.5

Minnesota at Kansas City
The Vikings are good at stopping the run, and the chiefs can’t do anything but run the ball. The Larry Johnson questions start popping up after this game. I’d take the Vikings straight up. Vikings + 3

Detroit at Philadelphia
Eagles fans are in full on boo-their-own-team mode. Here are some Eagle Fan Fun Facts:

To save money, the city built a courthouse and a jail…in the stadium.
They booed Santa Clause.
They cheered when Michael Irvin suffered a career ending injury.
They threw batteries at JD Drew. (Ok, that was Phillies fans, but its just the same drunk people wandering back and forth). Lions + 6

Buffalo at New England
Sixteen points? Sixteen?! I have to pick Buffalo, even though it’s like picking a three-legged horse just to finish. Bills +16

Miami at NYJ
Kellen Clemons looked pretty good at the end of the Ravens game last week. The kid may have something. Jets -3

San Francisco at Pittsburgh
The Steelers just destroyed Buffalo, and this has all the makings of a redux. But nine points is nine points, and the niners aren’t horrible. Niners +9

Arizona at Baltimore
You could make a living picking against the Ravens this year: they’re overrated. The defense misses Adalius Thomas, and hasn’t anyone noticed that Willis McGahee is closer to average than he is good? He’s Frank Gore without the power. Cardinals +8

St. Louis at Tampa Bay
I didn’t think I’d take Tampa Bay and give up points this year, but I’m done with the Rams after they let me down last week. Ronde is the creative Barber twin because he wears bracelets… Bucs -3.5

Jacksonville at Denver
The NFLs fattest team coming to play in the thin air in Denver. That’s good for 4 points right there. Broncos -3.5

Cincinatti at Seattle
The Bengals gave up 51 points to Cleveland last week. Most excitement in Cleveland since their river caught on fire. I don’t think Cinci can recover from that. Take the coffee snobs. Seahawks -3

Cleveland at Oakland
No, no, no. I’m down on the Browns. I refuse to believe in them. Word is that CBS will let Lane Kiffin free from Kid Nation to come coach this one. Raiders -3

Carolina at Atlanta
Gawd. I feel like I’m trying to pick lunch at Long John Silvers here. Carolina…I guess. Can I get hush puppies instead of fries? Carolina -4

NY Giants at Washington
Here’s a list of things that suck more than the Giants right now (PG version): whirlpool; fat kid drinking a milkshake, a remora… Washington -4

Dallas at Chicago
In one of my favorite moments of the week, Donovan McNabb was defending his statement that black quarterbacks are under more pressure than white quarterbacks, when a reporter asked him about Rex Grossman. “Oh, yeah, I forgot about him,” McNabb basically said. Devin Hester is a God, but Dallas +3

Jacki’s Lock of the Week (except last week!)™

Tennessee at New Orleans
Big beats virtuous so I want to go with the Titans over the Saints. But my college team was the Quakers, and that’s the least intimidating team name ever. Therefore, it is out of solidarity – and my love of spicy Cajun food – that I’m going with the Saints on this one. Nola, it is. NO – 4.5

Box seat

My couch is here. I’m assuming it’s the couch because it’s an enormous box that could – if assembled – be a large piece of furniture. I was going to shamelessly bribe the delivery guy to bring it upstairs, but he came alone, and the box was so big that payoff wasn’t even an option.

So I am still sitting on the floor. My couch is now sitting in the lobby. And the dubious honor of home delivery defaults to the signif and his friend. Lucky them.

Random: I couldn’t find a good image online so you get cat in a box instead.

It’s coming!

The couch people called, and they’re delivering tomorrow. I have the extremely convenient window of 9am-5pm, but who am I to complain? I’ll be here. Celebrating.

In case you’re wondering why this is a big deal, here’s a primer:

This is my old couch:

This is my current couch:

The power of one


There must have been something in the water about this time last year minus 9 months. It seems almost everyone I know has got a child turning one. In fact, two of my cobloggers make up this key demographic. They can probably – most definitely – explain the experience that is celebrating a one-year-old better than I, but from the perpetual guest’s perspective, it seems the key components of a successful soiree include a wearable cake and adult beverages for the parents who’ve survived with their union intact.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Glamour shot

All went well. I’m back home. Hazy but here.

Speaking of Dazed and Confused, I once wrote a letter to Glamour magazine about Renee Zellweger (stay with me here. there will be a point). They profiled the actress and mentioned she got her start in D&C. I have seen that flick a gabillion times, and not once did Miss Renee make an appearance. Her face isn’t in the movie, and her name isn’t in the credits. Joey Lauren Adams was in the movie, and she looks a lot like Renee. But it’s not Renee. So I felt it was my duty to inform the mag that they’d gotten it wrong. Plus, I like Empire Records too, and that could very well be described as a solid early Renee role. I included that little tidbit in my letter for good measure.

Glamour wrote back. They said that Renee was in D&C but that it was an uncredited bit part. So I watched the movie again. And again, no trace of Renee.

Now even if I missed her “cameo” in the background somewhere, I’m guessing if someone who has seen that movie as often as I have over the years can’t find Renee Zellweger anywhere, it’s not much of a career-starter role. Heck, if her name’s not in the credits, it’s not even pretending to be a career-starter role. Me: 1 Glossy mag: 0

This smackdown took place long before the age of the easy Internet search. And today, as I remembered this story, I started googling “Renee Zellweger” and “Dazed and Confused” and found results like this and this. Best I can gather from my unscientific research is that Renee was on the screen for about 2 seconds in the party scene towards the end. Uncredited. Unconfirmed by IMDb. I’m still marginally skeptical.

But let’s say D&C was her first film role (and role is really a stretch here). I still say Glamour got it wrong. They should have said it was her first time on film. They should have quantified her appearance. Instead, if I remember correctly, they called it her break.

I was a candystriper in high school, and the local Spanish-language TV station did a profile on our hospital’s program. The camera caught me saying hello to a patient and delivering flowers. No one’s saying “Jacki got her start in TV as a junior volunteer at South Miami Hospital.”

But in the interest of compromise – and because I’ve been drugged – I’ll say maybe the info was good but the writing was poor. I’d be content with calling it a draw.

ImagInation



FishbowlNY
found this studio’s portfolio of retouched photos online.

While I have no issue with image professionals fixing lighting issues or smoothing out complexions, I am truly disturbed by weight adjustments. Just drag your cursor over the images in the portfolio section (tab up top) to see the before and after changes.

Subconsciously, we all know the pictures we see in magazines are not accurate depictions. But it doesn’t stop any of us (or only stops a few of us) from wanting to look like that. Whatever that is for you. A body type. A haircut. A muscle tone.

Most of the celebrities featured here are truly attractive to begin with. Pros should start printing the befores instead. I’m over the afters.

Liquid Lunch (and dinner)


I’m not interested in getting too personal with my blog because frankly, who cares?

But I am having the Katie Couric Special tomorrow morning, and posting will be lighter than usual, I suspect, as I prepare for the fun that is about to ensue.

Since this is not my first time riding this ride, I know exactly what to expect. I have no intentions of sharing those details, but what I will contribute to the greater good is the following sentiment:

Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, it’s still kind of embarrassing to talk about it. But everyone has had, will have, or should have it done eventually. And the whole process is not as horrifying as you’ll imagine it to be.

Ok, the today part is pretty unpleasant, but the alternative of not going through with it is just too risky. So I will be here, lying low with my chicken broth and ginger ale, and I’ll post if something interesting (unrelated) strikes my fancy.

Otherwise, more tomorrow afternoon.

Apology Flowers

Yesterday was the first time I felt lame about my blog. It wasn’t something I wrote. It was something I didn’t write.

I have no delusions of grandeur. I know full well no one’s losing sleep over my lack of substantial content.

But you should know that because it was a relatively uneventful quiet Monday, I opted out instead of offering mediocre filler.

And now I feel bad about it.


Happy Monday.

New week. New leak.

Repairman is on his way over to take a look at the underbelly of my tub (not as dirty as it sounds).

The good news is that the apartment is definitely showing signs of improvement. It’s starting to apply itself. I think it wants to be a real, live home when it grows up.

A Load of Comcrap

I’m sitting at home (on the floor. still no couch) on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon waiting for the cable guy. Why? Because I ordered cable with DVR, and my DVR doesn’t work. Why? Because they gave me the wrong box. When I called customer service, the woman informed me that I should have “done my research” and known that I had to request a “dual tuner box.”

Really? Because if you go to the Comcast website, you find this:

Digital Video Recorder

The technology is advanced, but using it is simple. Pause any show on any channel, instantly replay live TV, watch a scene in slow motion, or rewind the show you’ve been watching. Easily record your favorite shows or an entire season, all with the touch or two of a button. And with the built-in dual tuner, you can even watch one channel while recording another. You’ll never have to worry about the hassle of videotapes again!

By the way, my window was 12-3pm. It’s after 3pm now, and the cable guy just called for directions. Not that he’s lost. He just wanted to know if I was actually at the address I provided and if I was still “having the problem.”

Color me baffled.