Significant Picks: Week 5

Your weekly NFL picks from Jacki’s significant other.

Last Week: 8-5
On the Year: 20-18-5

Carolina at New Orleans
David Carr is starting for Carolina, which means that as bad as New Orleans has been, they’ll sack him 35 times and win. Saints – 3

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Who thought the Chiefs would beat the Chargers by 14 points? It’s like when the kid who gets picked on every day finally loses it and just beats the crap out of the bully. The other kids all stand there, jaws agape. That said, I like the bullies this week. Jaguars -2.5

Detroit at Washington
The Redskins play hard for a few quarters and then take a breather. In sixth grade, my friend Hayato tried running the mile that way—sprinting hard and then resting for a while. It didn’t work for him either. Lions + 3.5

Atlanta at Tennessee
Tennessee plays well at home, but eight points? I’m channeling Balki Bartokomous here: “Don’t be ridiculous.” Falcons + 8

Miami at Houston
I visited Houston once and went to the Livestock Show and Rodeo so I could get the full Texas effect. Do you know how bull riders get those bulls to buck? Think how you would you put a big male animal in a lot of pain. Yeah, ouch. Dolphins + 5

Seattle at Pittsburgh
The Steelers are just filthy at home. Steelers – 6

Cleveland at New England
New England is beating everyone by 20 points this year. There’s only one explanation: God is 13 years old and we’re watching him play Madden. Patriots – 16.5

NY Jets at NY Giants
Jets and Giants fans will be cursing each other, brawling and getting sloppy drunk. Meanwhile, in the stadium… Giants – 3.5

Tampa at Indianapolis
The Colts are a little banged up, so I’m going with Tampa. Hmm. I already hate this pick. Bucs + 10

Baltimore at San Francisco
Alex Smith is gone for the year. Baltimore will crush them. Baltimore – 3.5

Chicago at Green Bay
The Bears will get a couple of defensive starters back, but it won’t be enough. Maybe there is something to the Superbowl runner-up curse. Packers – 3

San Diego at Denver
Travis Henry—the fertile one—might be suspended for the year after getting caught smoking weed again. How much weed do you have to smoke to have ten kids by ten different women? Broncos – 1

Jacki’s Lock of the Week™ (1-2 on the year!)

Dallas at Buffalo
Oh, this is a tough one. Texas BBQ versus Buffalo wings. Well, I’ve seen a few episodes of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Tryouts on CMT, and I’m only marginally entertained whereas it’s always hard to resist a good blue cheese dressing. So it’s food over boobs on this one. I’m taking Buffalo. Bills + 10.5

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