Lowest Common Denominator

In case you think I’m exaggerating, the following are the 5 Daily Picks Match.com has selected for me today. Keep in mind I have a cat, I have been in DC for more than 5 years, and after living in too many apartments with impossibly tiny kitchens, I am just now starting to teach myself to cook.

He shares the same birth month!
Like you, he’d like to have kids someday.
You share culinary interests.

Like you, he’s a dog lover.
You both love playing sports.
He matches your liberal view of politics.

Like you, he’s a dog lover.
You both love playing sports.
He’s not a smoker.

You both love playing sports.
Like you, he’d like to have kids someday.
Both of you are into swimming.

He has a graduate degree.
Running is an interest for both of you.
You’re both new to the area.

Quote of the Day: Way to Make a Girl Feel Special Edition

“I myself intend to get married and have kids….[T]here are more unmarried babes on one page of match than within miles of my usual round-trip. Good odds!”

the hopeless romantic who emailed me on Match last night

My New Favorite Website

27b/6

I know it’s not new, but it’s new to me. Start here.

ReMatch

I couldn’t resist. I played with the profile again:

Just shy of two weeks now. Necessary additions to the update chain:

1. No images? Really? I don’t consider furniture on Craigslist that doesn’t have a photo. I’m certainly not going to correspond with a guy who won’t show me what he looks like.

2. If you’re under 30, I’m flattered. Not interested. But flattered. Thank you.

3. Self-portraits taken with a cell phone and a mirror are a bad idea. Topless self-portraits are just wrong. (h/t C)

4. Hey Match, could your Daily 5 algorithm be less scientific? His liking dogs and sharing my birth month doesn’t make us a good fit. I don’t need 29 levels of compatibility, but one decent one would be nice.

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Numbers Game

It’s been a little more than a week since I decided to give Match another go. So far, 1032 guys have looked. 60 have winked. And about 45 have sent emails. As for prospects, I’ve responded to 3.

That’s not true. I did tell the 25-year-old he was very sweet for reaching out, but it wasn’t going to happen, and he would be better off spending his energy elsewhere.

As for the 3, I’m not writing home about anyone just yet. They’re simply the three who seem to have a brain.

Based on correspondence and a quick profile scan, the other 1029 appear to share one.

Quote of the Day

“You had a raisin bagel reaction? That must have been some raisin.”

-nurse at the doctor’s office when I explained I should prolly lie down as she took my blood b/c I had a vasovagal reaction after a blood draw on Tuesday.

It’s been a rough week for both Emmy and me. The good news is everyone’s okay now. But she had massive dental surgery to remove a lot of bad teeth that were causing her excruciating pain, and I was rushed by ambulance to Georgetown University Hospital from the Dupont metro station after my body thought it had lost too much blood and started shutting down flow to things it considers nonessential. Like arms.

Spooky stuff all around. I’m glad it’s Friday. Happy weekend.

Look Kids, No Morals

You want to break the law, betray your wife, and resign in disgrace? Where do you think that gets you?

Apparently, here.

I thought Richard Quest getting to keep his job was inappropriate. This takes lowering the bar to a whole new level.

Maybe CNN should read its own news once in a while.

Match dot Comedy

Because I don’t believe in knocking anything until you’ve tried it twice, I put a profile up on Match.com on Friday.

So far, it’s been hysterical.

I’m only on for a month (sign up and then cancel immediately to avoid getting auto-enrolled in a second month without your consent) and don’t have any expectations. I just thought it might be amusing to see what happens.

What’s happening is that I am collecting solid blog fodder. I would never embarrass anyone personally in a public forum, but it’s impossible to ignore there are some common – and often easily remedied – mistakes many of these men are making in trying to find a mate.

Below is the profile I crafted and continue to update as the need arises.

I tried this for a month about 6 months ago, but after the guy who emailed me daily for 2 weeks and disappeared when I asked if he had a phone, the guy who complained about paying for dinner on the first date, and the countless “not even remotely appropriate”s, I said I was done. Then I went abroad for a month and came back with the crazy thought that I might be willing to try one more time.

Here’s what’s important to me: I take really good care of myself physically, and I’d like you to do the same. I’m ambitious and driven so I’m looking for a guy who appreciates that in me and has the same propensity to take initiative and get things done. I love to laugh, but I don’t get into Adam Sandler so much as Jon Stewart. I’m not a fighter. I don’t like unnecessary drama. Other than that, let’s see what happens.

UPDATE: After 24 hours, I’ve recognized the need to add a few things.

1. I think the income question is awkward so I’m not answering it, but I can comfortably share that I’ve worked very hard over the years to be able to support myself, and it is important to me that you’ve done the same.

2. I like a guy who can spell. I’ll leave it there. No, I won’t. Consider your online profile (or your email to me) a first impression. Care enough to spell check.

3. If any of your photographs show you straddling something as if it’s part of your anatomy, assume I’m not interested.

4. All of my photos were taken in the last 2 months. If you don’t have more than one or the ones you have are blurry, assume I’m not interested.

5. Excessive use of smilies or LOLs is a deal breaker.

6. I’ll go a little younger or a touch older than my specifications, but if you’re old enough to be my Dad, you’re too old to be my date. I know lots of girls are working out their issues. I’m good.

7. Finally, if you’re in my favorites, it’s probably because I’m figuring out the least ridiculous thing to write to say hello. Plus, a little part of me still likes the guy to make the first move.

UPDATE 2:

1. If you don’t have kids but have posted photos of yourself with kids, it doesn’t make me think you’re sensitive. It makes me think you have kids.

2. Athletic and toned doesn’t mean you want to be athletic and toned. Or that you were athletic and toned in high school. As a rule, if you’re overweight in your pictures, I’m not going to believe you are athletic and toned.

(This is fun. There may be more soon.)

Image: Natalie Dee

Laziest…Cat…Ever

Ooo. Toys!

Too far. Nevermind.

Mail Fail

Did you know that when you send a package internationally, you have to write on the customs form what’s in the package and how much it costs? Then they take that form and stick it on the box right next to the address label.

So much for the element of surprise.

I just sent a bunch of wrapped gifts to Spain, but now my friend will know what they are before she even opens the box.

How depressing. Why does the USPS hate joy?

p.s. I should add that the women at my local post office were very kind and helpful this morning. I just think there’s got to be a better way to get a gift overseas without having to ruin the recipient’s gift-getting experience.